Something About Her….

It’s been almost a year since last I posted in my blog. Gosh, I can’t believe it’s been that long! A year! So much has happened! I guess I’ve just been busy living life and this seemed kind of the least important thing to even give a minute of my time to. But why update it now? Why find the time now? Actually, I just happen to have some free time right now which is very surprising, and the fact that I don’t even have a personal PC as of the moment (actually been more than a month without a personal PC) blows my mind that I now have time and a resource to write to my blog again. Ok, ok, to be honest, its company borrowed time and resource. I guess my job is not keeping me busy right now. So, why not take the opportunity right? I love to write (even though I am not a good writer). I love to put my thoughts in writing and express things that I can never really say to anyone in particular. I guess I could if I really want to and if there is someone willing to listen to me for hours and hours to blab all my thoughts. Actually there is one but I love him that much that I would not let him go through that. I am a good talker but a poor listener.

I don’t even know where to start, so I went back in time and read all my blogs (thoughts) that I have written in the past. Made me smile and made me frown on some. Did I really write those things? Did I really feel those things? It seemed so kind of far away from where I am now. My last entry was thoughts on happiness and how to find it because I was struggling for it at that time. I think after that I just let things happen and gave up controlling my own life and just let God spin me and put His magic on me. I admit I still once in awhile try to fight to get the control back but it just doesn’t work anymore. I find my self being stumped and getting hit in the head. The harder I try, the harder I get hurt so I have just given up all together. And knowing me, I never learn the first time so I might just try to pull that again.

I know I may not be making any sense right now but all I’m saying is…when I tried to look for happiness and relied on my own strength, it was of futile. But when I started letting God write in the magic slate of my life, it’s when everything started to unfold. And just like the magic slate, its temporary because He can take it back anytime He wants to if I don’t take care of it to the best of my ability.

I am grateful to what I am right now, to what I have, to where I have been, and to what is there for me in the future. I could never be happier. And all I really want to say is that in the last year since you heard from me – God has sent me my “the one” and happiness has been all around me ever since.

Happiness…something we all strive for. We all want to be happy and we want our loved ones to be happy as well. Even if it means getting hurt for their happiness. Even if it means letting go. Even if it means sacrifice…

I am happy when you are happy…how many times have I heard that? But how can I be happy when it means I have to let go. Is happiness dependent on someone? Where can I find happiness? Fulfillment and contentment? How can someone be happy when it means not being with the one you love? How do I find happiness then? It’s one of those bizarre things in life that sometimes doesn’t make sense.

Happiness should come from within…I know! But it doesn’t add up to me right now. The quest for happiness…how can you win it all? How do I make him happy? How do I show him what happiness really means? How can I be happy?

Where is happiness in heartbrokenness? Where is happiness in losing someone you love? Where is happiness when you lose the most important figure in your life at eighteen? Where is happiness when I did not have anyone to turn to? Where is happiness when someone says no and rejects you?

I find happiness in the simplest things…being with my family, spending long hours with a friend just talking and having merlot! Reuniting with an old friend, being around nature, experiencing God’s love, spending time with the person I love even though that’s just watching a football game over some chicken wings and beer!

Happiness is not too profound and not too hard to attain, you just have to find it …it’s there even in the midst of sorrow…

I got it through the day…one day at a time…one week at a time…any maybe before I know it…it will be over. I will be free of pain. I’ve done it before, I can do it again…just take it day by day…and maybe tomorrow it wouldn’t hurt anymore as much as today. Today, I cried over a song that did not even related to how I feel. But it was a sad song and it made me cry.

I have resolved to let go and start accepting that it will never be…I have to live my life that I got, the way it is right now. no more waiting…no more hoping…

You see…I met someone and we almost fell in love. The times I spent with him were glorious. Things happened that we had to part. To him, I wanted to give my whole heart to. To him, I felt something I never felt to anyone for a long time. a love that I knew would last forever. A love that I wanted to keep and take care of. A love that I knew would stand the test of time. a love that would make us grow together. A love that people would be envious about. A love that will never leave my heart.

But now I am moving on and no longer look back. I have given up on him. It is not in my hands anymore. Time can only tell…

He may not realize how much I did love him, how much I truly cared and how much I have been hurt. But now it’s all in the past. I will still be sad and wallow in my pain for days. Sadness has been my friend lately. I am quiet liking being enveloped by the emotion of sadness. Isn’t that sad, that I like being sad?

"Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time

There's something wrong here, there can be no denying

One of us is changing, or maybe we've stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late

Though we really did try to make it

Something inside has died and I can't hide

And I just can’t fake it…"

Its fall season again, when leaves turn into amazing colors of yellow, orange and brown and everything turns colorful and beautiful around. I love fall season. I think I wanna get married during fall. The beauty of all the colors makes me in awe how God designed everything when he created us all. His master plan is magnificent! The beauty of all the yellow, orange trees all lined up as I drive towards my work is amazing! It makes me wanna stop and just take all that picturesque beauty and peace and calmness in my soul. I want to stay in that peaceful setting and be engulfed in the tranquility of God’s amazing creation and be consumed of that wondrous beauty and peace and wish to just stay at that place. But all I can do is take a mental picture of it. And I try to go in that place in my mind when I am feeling sad…like right now at this very moment. I think sad is an understatement. I am more than sad. I am sadder than sad…my leaves have all fallen, I am a tree with branches of no leaves…like autumn into winter when everything is empty and bitter cold. when the days are slow as tomorrow…and the nights are long, cold, dark and lonesome…as I cry myself to sleep and I lay thinking of you…wishing tomorrow would be better, wishing it would just be fall forever…my favorite time of the year. 

Look at us, were not even together and we’re fighting already – Allie

Because that’s what we do. We fight! You tell me how I am a son of a bitch. I tell you how you are a pain in the ass. And 99% of the time you are a pain in the ass. We just have to work it out everyday. It is not going to be easy. It will be hard. But this is what I want. I want you. I want all of you. – Noah

From the movie "The Notebook"

Now…that is true love. I have to admit I am a big fan of sweet cheesy romantic chick flicks. And “The Notebook” is probably one of my best favorites. I wish for the kind of love Noah felt for Allie. Nothing is easy when it comes to love. Even finding true love is not easy. But you have to recognize it when its there. When it starts taking over your heart in flames and your mind in whirls…and you cant live a day without thinking about him…her…no matter how hard you try not to…when the love is over powering your being, your soul and your utmost inner self…it consumes you…like you’ve never felt anything before…and your gut tells you – it feels right…

I am not a poet, I am not a writer…but I find myself writing when I am sad, depressed, or lonely. This is one of those days, I am drawing my inspiration from my emotions. Emotions…yes, emotions…the last couple days, my emotions have been like roller coasters. In circles and loops, in highs and lows…playing a trick on me…but unlike a roller coaster, the ride wouldn’t end…and I don’t know how to stop it. I have tried and I am trying but I failed and I am failing…and I can’t hold it back anymore and I don’t know how to contain it. I can’t let it out. I want to but I can’t…I am falling from this roller coaster ride…

"… Don’t wanna wake up alone anymore

Still believing you’ll walk through my door

All I need is to know it’s for sure

Then I’ll give… all the love in the world…"

i am in pain

yet i smile

he says hello

and i say hi back

but within me

i’m saying why

he doesn’t know it

ain’t got no clue

inside of me

i’m crying out loud

how can you?

how can this be?

i thought differently

i thought of a lotta things

but never this

whatever it is

did you lead me on?

did you plan this?

you said…

you didn’t wanna hurt me

and you asked…

for me not to hurt you

i don’t know how i feel

all i know is…

i am not at peace

no more joy

all but sadness

misery and despair

my heart is in tears

yes, i was deeply hurt

crushed to the ground

with a heart ache

this is who I am

take me as I am

you’re scared

and i’m terrified

it’s always not easy

but i’m willing to try

don’t run away

don’t fight back

you’ve been hurt

i’ve been wounded

you said…

you got messed up

i can fix you

i’ll take care of you

you’re not perfect

neither do i

i’ve been there

too many times

is it still worth it…

for one more try?

-layla

-8/25/06

What a very simple question. Nevertheless, it makes you think…and think hard you will.  Recently, we had a change of management. And my new manager threw this question at me during my one on one interview with him. I have heard that question before. But still I was taken aback. I don’t know why. Was it because I wanted to make a good impression or was it because I did not know the answer? I mumbled some stuff to him and we went on to talk about other things. But that question lingered to me even after the meeting and days after too. What motivates me? Hmmmmm……

For a number of years, now I have just been going and going and going. Yeah, just like the Energizer bunny. I have always known I wanted in life. I have always set goals to myself. I have always known what I wanted to achieve and where I wanna be at. And I worked on them. Each goal I achieve takes me to the next one and to the next and to the next. And I have just been going and going and going, setting goals, achieving them and moving on to the next. Because that is what I wanted and I knew and I wanted to get there and I did.  I still have goals that I am still pursuing right now. New goals…But I have never really stopped until right now to take a moment and think…what makes me go? What motivates me?

To be honest, I don’t really have a good answer. This is as honest as I can get. In the beginning I was motivated by vengeance. As I was growing up, I have been faced by situations where I was humiliated and ill-treated. It was so pathetic. I could not do anything at that time. I just felt so sorry for myself. And I would always think to myself…One day I will get my revenge. One day they will see me and they will be sorry. One day I will prove to them. One day I will be someone they will admire and look up to. One day they will regret and pay….

But over the years the vengeful thinking transformed to something else. Something more meaningful, something more worth it. When I think of what makes me going and what makes me want the things that I want and what makes me strive for goodness, success and happiness, I think of my family. My family motivates me. I think of my mom, my two younger sisters, and all my cousins. I want to inspire them and set a good example. For the most part, I think I have. They motivate me.

My dad is a big inspiration for me too. He came from nothing to being one of the top executives of an international firm in Manila. He worked for it. He put himself to school. He was a self made man. Although, we only spent fifteen years together, he had instilled a lot of values in me. He taught me that if I work hard enough, the sky is the limit for me. He taught me to have dreams and to aspire and to keep dreaming and to dream big! And big things will happen!

And the rest, I think is just my own drive of wanting to be successful. I like challenge, it drives me and motivates me. So, that is it…these are the things that motivate me and keep me going and going and going….

I’m a heart broken soul. Been hurt too many times…Now, hella scared as a cat to take the plunge or even just to try again. What’s the point of falling in love again when in the end I’ll be left crying… again? I don’t even wanna go there anymore. I will freeze my heart and not fall for anyone anymore. It would take a huge thing for me to change my mind. The next guy would just have to work doubly hard. He needs to prove to me that it’s gonna be worth it. I’ve been crushed too many times that I don’t even wanna begin feeling something for someone because now I am too scared. I’m scared to put my heart out there again. I’m scared to let myself be one of two again. I’m scared to allow my self to fall for someone again. I don’t want to start thinking about someone. I don’t want to start making plans with someone. I don’t want to fall into that trap…anymore.

I know that I should get on with my life
But a life without you could never be right

As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I’ll never get over you getting over me

Maybe refusal is denial. Denial of what? That I am beginning to fall for someone? My heart says to go for it but my minds says no. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it’s all in vain again? What if it doesn’t have a happy ending? What if it’s not worth it? What if he’ll just hurt me? No, I’m not ready…Yes I am! No! I am not! Aaaahhhh….the dilemma…this is why…it’s hard not knowing…patience…patience…

If it’s gonna happen…it’s gonna happen…or will it? Ok… I’m done…

Even if…
you mean the whole damn world to me
i can forget you
wait and see
i can be strong even without you
i can’t waste my life forever
hoping you’d come back to me
but deep inside
i know I’ll be waiting here for you

"Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching…" Richard Leigh

I don’t try to be someone else. I look at all the girls with their big sunglasses, big hoop earrings, coach purse, boob-showing tops, blonde streaks on their very black hair, a cigarette between their fingers while sipping frapuccino and typing with their thumb on their hot pink razor phones. And I say…I am not that type of Filipina!  Ok, that might be too judging the book by its cover.  But I can’t help to think that what you portray of yourself to the world is who you are. You dress and act the way you are because that is what you want people to think of you. Ok, I am not a psychologist major, so I guess I am just gonna leave that job to those folks. This is just my own opinion and perception.

I don’t wanna be like everybody else. I am my own person, unique in my own way. I like the way I am, what I am, what I have become and what I will be. (whatever that may be) I think a lot of people have misconceptions about me. They think I’m lonely and sad and pathetic. Well, I don’t blame them…I write a lot of sad and depressing stories in my blog. And just because I live by myself doesn’t mean I am lonely. The truth is, I am “more than okay” (for lack of a better word) right now. (not just okay, ok?). I guess that can very well be equated to being “fine”. Yes, things could be better but I have no complaints. At my age, I have reached most of my goals and that my friends, I am very well proud of. I have accomplished them in my timetable too! If my dad was looking down at me right now (I’m sure he is) he will be proud too. Yes, I could say that I have come along way. But it wasn’t easy. I went from sleeping at a friend’s garage-sale-bought-couch to my own queen-sized-canopy-princess-bed!  All of these things – what I have, what I have become - came with sacrifices, hard work and determination! It entailed a lot of failures, heartbreaks and step-backs. I’m someone who has always known what she wanted in life. And still do and still out to attain the biggest dream of my dreams. I know I will get there!

Another thing I like about me aside from being fun-loving, friendly, easy to get along with, intelligent, fearless, neat-freak (kinda), ambitious, determined, dreamer, go-getter, sweet, loving, expressive, good-cook (sorta), good ate and daughter, warm and simple, etc etc…(ok, ok  - this is all about me – didn’t you read the title? so I am entitled to say all the good adjectives about me) Back to my point, I always yearn to learn something new and constantly look for avenues to develop myself. This year, I have taken steps on things I have been wanting to do to better myself in terms of my career. I won’t elaborate but it’s been going good so far. (you just have to trust my word on that) Did I say I am truthful too?

I mentioned – things could be better. Yes, that is true! It would be nicer to share my everyday with someone special. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone, to be taken cared of, to have someone to spend life with? I do. A lot of people ask me why I am not with someone yet. Am I being too picky? Do I have very high standards? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I’ve always been afraid of making that big mistake of being with the wrong guy. I know no ones perfect. Even I is not perfect. But I want someone who is perfect for me. So, I guess I am picky in my own set of standards. (there! I admitted it!) But what’s wrong with picking somebody who is as determined and as ambitious as me? Or a smart, witty and fun-ny guy? Or even – an independent, mature, kind-hearted and responsible man who share the same interests as me but let me be myself!

Well, I know the time will come when it is right. Until then, I will be here doing what I am doing – being ME!

I thought I had it all figured out but I was wrong. I still keep falling on the same trap over and over and over. I thought I have learned from my mistakes. No, it doesn’t take just one or two or three heartbreaks for me to learn my lesson. When will I get it right? The big question in my head right now is How do u come in to a relationship after your heart has been hurt and shattered? How do you start anew when now you know what you’re looking for and you’ve realized what you really want? Or do I really know? Why do I keep going on circles then? Why do I keep falling for the wrong guy? Why do I keep setting myself up to disappointment? Why do I keep letting my heart be crushed again and again?

I’m a very sweet person and very expressive too. I have given my best in all of my relationships and I don’t give up unless I am absolutely sure that I will have no regrets in the end when all is done and finished, that there is nothing absolutely to hold on to, that there is nothing absolutely to hope for. Then I know it’s time to let go. I just don’t want to look back one day and say why didn’t I try harder because I know I did. Why didn’t I hold on longer because I know I did. Why didn’t I give it one more chance because I gave it a second try.

What do I really want then? What am I looking for? I was just recently asked this question. And it took me a few minutes to answer it. I thought I had it all in my head. But I didn’t. So, then I looked into and listened from my heart. Because I realized there lies the answer. And this is what my heart had to say… I want a man that makes my heart beat twice as fast, a man that treats me with sincere respect because he needs to be respected too, a man of God, responsible, funny, loves to travel, someone who is not sitting on his ass and doing nothing, someone that can support a family, someone who has his own dreams and ambitions in life, someone that challenges me but also gives me freedom that I can be my own personality, someone who knows when to make me smile and brings out the best in me, someone that I can share the joys and sorrows of life. I could probably go on and on that my heart is telling me right now.

Who am I to be asking for all these? To borrow a friend’s statement, I am just a simple girl who hopes for nothing else but to love and be loved and to be happy in life.

But I guess that’s how love works, you love then you get hurt, you cry a little then you bounce back and love again. Do we really? Besides how did the saying…”Better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all….” ever been formed if someone did not love and lost.